February

February was a month full of work, filming almost every day. First I flew to Tulum to help with my friend’s band's new music video- it was the best experience, everyone in the crew was so cool and nice to be with, they all came from Canada but I never felt like I didn’t belong or anything like that. 

Kaveh, Ashley, Vlad and I got there two days earlier than the rest, it was such an adventure scouting for locations, prop-shopping, casting for extras and camera testing in just two days. Once everyone was in town we would wake up early morning and run from one location to another, shooting non-stop, it was hectic and I savored it, it’s in moments like these that I realize how much I love doing what I do. There were also moments of precious calmness, sipping coconuts on the beach, endless conversations with beautiful Ashley while we drove/shopped/painted and delicious crew dinners at different restaurants every night. Everything was perfect and I loved them all.

I landed on Mexico City a Saturday night and on Sunday I was already in meetings for the next project. Monday was for returning the gear of the music video and getting props, costumes and stuff for the short film. Tuesday morning Diego and I left to Morelos. I drove all the way there, it had been a while since I drove on the highway and it felt good, Diego says I’m a terrible driver though, maybe I am. As soon as we got there we worked hard trying to get everything we needed, difficult task being a festive day in the small town. I appreciate when things like that happen, it’s fun proving yourself you can.  After a very long day we went back to the house in the mountain. Diego played his guitar and sang songs to the desert while I stared, he cooked dinner and we played domino while listening to the sounds of the night. The rest of the crew arrived on Wednesday evening and suddenly the house in the mountain wasn’t quiet anymore. We were all talking and running and doing, anxious and excited to start shooting, it was loud and perfectly chaotic.

Everything went smoothly once we started, things fell into place and any stress or doubt disappeared. We finished on time and we were so happy and satisfied it felt like we were just a bunch of kids playing a game. I always love working with Nico, not only I admire him professionally but he also has become one of my closest friends in a very short period of time. We had a wrap party at the house in the mountain and we all went crazy, laughing and dancing and even walking into the labyrinth in the middle of the night.

We drove to Mexico City the day after and the next day was spent on bed, I was exhausted. Then I went back to school and to the weird student routine, I can never get used to it, it’s too calm and whenever I’m not busy my brain starts creating ugly thoughts about everything and I go back to feeling lonely and sad.

When I listen to my friends and classmates talk about their future, about movies they love and about their projects, it scares me because I really don’t care about my career at all, I don’t have plans and have no idea of what I’m doing, but I’m still moving anyway so the darkness won’t consume me completely. I feel a little lost in the middle of nowhere in this city filled of ambitions. I can’t write anymore like I used to, I get stuck and overthink every time I try, what if I’m boring? What if I’m stupid? What if I make no sense at all? Maybe I don’t have new topics to talk about, nothing new to say. I’m scared I’m not that special, I’m scared I will always be alone, I’m scared I’m not an artist. I’m scared life isn’t important and significant at all. I don’t know, I just crave an adventure so deeply that I sometimes forget I’m already in one.

I didn't take my camera to none of the filmings, but here are some iPhone snaps :)