She

 

Listen to me when I tell you I love you, I admire you, you´ll always be my favorite girl. 

Love

It’s a Friday night and I’m alone in my bed, alone but not lonely. I don’t have many nights like this lately, not because I run from them but because I found someone who keeps me company, someone that my heart longed for long time ago. Someone who understands my demons and loves them just as I love his, someone who inspires me and pushes me to return to old habits that I craved and needed but didn’t have the will power to wheel out by myself, someone with whom I can spend time alone without feeling lonely.

When I decided to finally write in here again I didn’t think the words that would come out would be about him, I didn’t want to be cheesy and talk about love, but that’s exactly what my life is right now in great measure. I met him months ago, and at the beginning I didn’t see what he was, I was too immersed in my own thoughts and chaos to pay him attention, he didn’t see me either, or maybe he did, but not in the way that I truly am.

After some months sharing the same spaces but without exchanging words or glances, we came upon each other in a reunion some hours before Guns N Roses’ concert, which I was anxiously waiting for, not just because it’s one of my favorite bands, but because it was the dream of a 14-year-old Ursula that never thought that would come true. I was so full of excitement that it was physically impossible for me to stop talking about it, he’s a musician, so it was inevitable that he would listen and come closer, that was how our love and passion for music brought us together. Little by little we discovered more and more interests and points of view in common, we started hanging out together with our friends that were the same, and one day without previous announcement and not looking for it or forcing it we were already profoundly in love with each other. The way in which it all happened was really strange and unprecedented for me. I had always liked all the people with whom I have ever had something before since the day I met them, letting the physical attraction blur my perception of reality and create expectations of the other person and the situation. It wasn’t like that this time, for the very first time I met the real person, and then decided (or realized, I don’t know) that I wanted to be with him. And it’s crazy to say it but in this short period of time I already know him more than I know anyone else, and I have opened up in a way that I didn’t imagined possible, in a way that I was afraid and embarrassed of because I’m “too intense” and that scares everyone. And for the first time it’s not a love that kills but that creates life, one that doesn’t drives me insane but inspires me, a love that doesn’t hurt but heals.

And I’ve learnt so many things in so little time, about me, about him, about life. I’ve learnt that I have a fear that is bigger than I thought, a fear I have to stop carrying, and to be honest I hadn’t written here because of that. I’m aware that my biggest enemy is me and I really want to stop being it. But in this precise moment I don’t want to talk about all the negative things and the sadness that just being alive leads, but about how grateful I am because as absurd as it sounds, I finally am with this person that I had looked for in so many others with immense frustration. Because deep inside me I knew he existed and I knew he was coming, I just had to wait and be patient so it could be the right moment, and for the first time it was, like if all the stars in the firmament had aligned for us to collide in the exact moment of history in the same place. And maybe I’m crazy, but I know what I feel and I don’t want to ever stop feeling it. It’s not addictive or a necessity, but peaceful and it flourishes every day bigger and brighter than I could have ever imagined. Because it’s better than any dream or story, better than the books and the movies his avid eyes have seen, better than the songs of Pink Floyd, Radiohead and Drexler together. This is better than everything.