See you soon Tulum

Before leaving Tulum I felt excited, decided, ready to create a new life in the city and eager for all the new people and experiences that were about to unfold, I never thought it would be so hard to leave my home and my people. When the date was getting closer everything became real, the doubts arrived and attacked me ruthlessly; my last days in Tulum were spent telling everyone how much I love them, thanking for everything I lived there, regretting for what I didn’t do and crying. I would cry all the time, while I was driving, laying on bed, watching the stars or the sea, when I hugged Fer. I’d cry alone and with company. I had so many mixed emotions that it was impossible to hold it in. It was a cry of excitement, doubts, pain, sadness, love, fear… all together and unruly.

In Tulum I found everything that can be wished for: my home, my family, my soul mate. But deep inside I knew well that in this moment I had to leave all of them and start a journey by myself, away from the people and the place I love most. It’s been the hardest decision of my life and it took me months finding the courage to take it.

I left my little Caribbean town that loved me dearly for two years and moved to the largest city in the whole world, Mexico City. My heart aches and cries because the stars of the infinite sky have been replaced by bulbs that shine bright in the darkness of the night, the white sand for concrete floors, and the turquoise sea became gigantic waves of people and cars, the palm trees now are buildings so tall that rip up the clouds.

Tulum is like no other place on Earth, it’s magical and timeless, intense and powerful, it’s a vortex of energy and craziness.  I barely took photographs there; I was too busy enjoying it to even worry about it. It also was too personal to share and too powerful to forget. I may not have many beautiful photographs of the beach or its people but I have thousands of memories that will live in my heart forever.

In this place I found a part of myself that I didn’t know existed, I’ve felt incredibly weak and strong, vulnerable and safe. It’s been beautiful, bright, tough and tragic, life-changing and inspiring. Leaving Tulum is bittersweet, I’m thrilled and terrified at the same time, I feel homesick for Tulum but impatient  to explore this new place. I’m close to my blood family but far from my tribe. And most of all, I miss his face and his voice, his smile and how he makes me laugh; I miss our conversations and moments of silence, both as deep and comforting. I miss the warmth of our skins and the safety of his hug, I truly don’t know how I’ll make it through this new chapter of my life without him by my side, but I know it’s where I have to be and I have the certainty that our paths will become one again.

I can’t remember how many times we’ve said good bye by now, but none of them has been real, not even when it felt like it. Life keeps pulling us together and nothing could be more perfect than us.  I’m surrounded by 20 million people in this city, and the only one I want to be with is not here. It seems that the love we have for each other is more powerful than any distance, time or complication we could ever have.

Since the moment I met Fer I fell deeply in love, I was scared because I didn’t feel ready to have a relationship and I barely knew him, but something inside me kept saying that the biggest adventure of my life was about to start. From the beginning we knew we were perfect for each other, we never had to pretend or force anything, it was natural, like if it had always existed. And it grew and grew and grew and we loved each other like the stars love the moon and the writer loves words, it’s inevitable and there's no other way it can be. But the timing wasn’t perfect, and as much as we loved we also knew that the moment in our lives we were in was of self-growth. In two years he have accumulated so many stories and been through so much that I truly believe we are invincible, we are infinite.

Saturday morning we loaded the car with my things and we said goodbye about five times, I kept forgetting things in his house and had to go back to get them, every time I’d cover him in hugs, kisses and I love yous. We drove for 20 hours in two days, listening to the music I like and admiring the landscapes and the highway, one of my favorite places to be. We stopped for lunch in Campeche and then slept in Veracruz.  On Sunday we arrived to Puebla where I visited my dad; for three hours we talked, ate ice-cream and enjoyed each other’s company. My mom drove all the way to Mexico and while we were entering I felt tiny, there was too much noise, too much traffic, too much chaos. I didn’t talk in all the way until we got home, I could only think of Tulum and the nature while teardrops full of terror and insecurity ran down my cheeks, I observed the skyscrapers and the hurried people in awe. I was sure I wouldn’t survive a month in this crazy place. I thought I had ruined everything and that I’d be miserably unhappy in this city, I wanted to go back to the calmness of Tulum and be with my friends. I wanted to see the stars and listen to the ocean. I wanted to be barefoot all day and dance all night. I had absolutely no idea of what was waiting for me here.

I left everything and everyone I love, yes, but I’m chasing my dream. It’s not a goodbye, it’s a see you soon.

Wanderlust

Tulum Days
Model: Elisa

Heroin

I chose feeling. 

When I decided to come back to Earth in this human form and was asked for my purpose in life, I chose to feel. Feel so deep, so pure and hard that it would almost kill me several times, but at the same time it's the only thing that would keep me alive. I would desperately look for passions, lovers, accidents and problems just so I could pour all my feelings on them. Because that is my heroin, the poison and the antidote, the cause and the consequence.

I'm all about extremes and I'm extremely self-absorbed because all that I have comes from the inside. And when I listen to that song that makes my skin shiver and my fingers type desperately while my heart sings, that is when everything is worth it, all the pain, all the love, all the endless seeking.

But feelings make me nothing but vulnerable, and I know how people can destroy me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore, not right now. So I build walls around me and make it look like I’m tough when deep inside I’m all the opposite, I'm fragile and I break easily. 

Lately, people tell me how much I've changed, how I look less innocent and even darker, but to be honest, I'm always the same. I've always been like that, light and dark, but I choose which side to show them. They just know the Ursula I want them to know. The real problem is when you play a character for so long that you forget it is only that, a character. 

He says I always read like if what I’m reading is a tale, doesn’t matter if it’s a letter or the newspaper, I always make it sound like a novel. And that is also what I feel about life, I always see it as if it was a movie, a drama. And it’s always changing and always evolving, and sometimes it is artwork and others just a piece of shit. He also says I write quite peculiar, with too many repetitions and too much punctuation. I don’t know, maybe I do, I don’t think about it, I just write. And some will love it and others will hate it, but that’s how I live my life and I honestly don’t know if it’s wrong or right. It just is. 

There are days I feel so confused, so lost and scared that I paralyze in bed and the only thing I can do is make stories in my head and burn my lungs with smoke. All I can do is ask unanswerable questions to the universe. Some days I feel out of control and do crazy things that I can't understand why I do them. Some days I give up, I lose any faith or hope. And those days even breathing is hard work. And right there, when I know my life couldn't be any messier and that I couldn't be more fucked up, just then I feel strong again, I put myself together and carry on. Because life is not simple or easy, and thank goodness it isn't or I'd die of boredom, and to be honest I'd rather die of love and passion and sadness and pain than boredom. Anything but boredom.