Heroin

I chose feeling. 

When I decided to come back to Earth in this human form and was asked for my purpose in life, I chose to feel. Feel so deep, so pure and hard that it would almost kill me several times, but at the same time it's the only thing that would keep me alive. I would desperately look for passions, lovers, accidents and problems just so I could pour all my feelings on them. Because that is my heroin, the poison and the antidote, the cause and the consequence.

I'm all about extremes and I'm extremely self-absorbed because all that I have comes from the inside. And when I listen to that song that makes my skin shiver and my fingers type desperately while my heart sings, that is when everything is worth it, all the pain, all the love, all the endless seeking.

But feelings make me nothing but vulnerable, and I know how people can destroy me and I don’t want to be hurt anymore, not right now. So I build walls around me and make it look like I’m tough when deep inside I’m all the opposite, I'm fragile and I break easily. 

Lately, people tell me how much I've changed, how I look less innocent and even darker, but to be honest, I'm always the same. I've always been like that, light and dark, but I choose which side to show them. They just know the Ursula I want them to know. The real problem is when you play a character for so long that you forget it is only that, a character. 

He says I always read like if what I’m reading is a tale, doesn’t matter if it’s a letter or the newspaper, I always make it sound like a novel. And that is also what I feel about life, I always see it as if it was a movie, a drama. And it’s always changing and always evolving, and sometimes it is artwork and others just a piece of shit. He also says I write quite peculiar, with too many repetitions and too much punctuation. I don’t know, maybe I do, I don’t think about it, I just write. And some will love it and others will hate it, but that’s how I live my life and I honestly don’t know if it’s wrong or right. It just is. 

There are days I feel so confused, so lost and scared that I paralyze in bed and the only thing I can do is make stories in my head and burn my lungs with smoke. All I can do is ask unanswerable questions to the universe. Some days I feel out of control and do crazy things that I can't understand why I do them. Some days I give up, I lose any faith or hope. And those days even breathing is hard work. And right there, when I know my life couldn't be any messier and that I couldn't be more fucked up, just then I feel strong again, I put myself together and carry on. Because life is not simple or easy, and thank goodness it isn't or I'd die of boredom, and to be honest I'd rather die of love and passion and sadness and pain than boredom. Anything but boredom.