Magic

Some people are not just people, they are magic creatures that hide under human masks and try to live undiscovered, but they really can't. 

I'm grateful for having one of them in my life.

She

 

Listen to me when I tell you I love you, I admire you, you´ll always be my favorite girl. 

Love

It’s a Friday night and I’m alone in my bed, alone but not lonely. I don’t have many nights like this lately, not because I run from them but because I found someone who keeps me company, someone that my heart longed for long time ago. Someone who understands my demons and loves them just as I love his, someone who inspires me and pushes me to return to old habits that I craved and needed but didn’t have the will power to wheel out by myself, someone with whom I can spend time alone without feeling lonely.

When I decided to finally write in here again I didn’t think the words that would come out would be about him, I didn’t want to be cheesy and talk about love, but that’s exactly what my life is right now in great measure. I met him months ago, and at the beginning I didn’t see what he was, I was too immersed in my own thoughts and chaos to pay him attention, he didn’t see me either, or maybe he did, but not in the way that I truly am.

After some months sharing the same spaces but without exchanging words or glances, we came upon each other in a reunion some hours before Guns N Roses’ concert, which I was anxiously waiting for, not just because it’s one of my favorite bands, but because it was the dream of a 14-year-old Ursula that never thought that would come true. I was so full of excitement that it was physically impossible for me to stop talking about it, he’s a musician, so it was inevitable that he would listen and come closer, that was how our love and passion for music brought us together. Little by little we discovered more and more interests and points of view in common, we started hanging out together with our friends that were the same, and one day without previous announcement and not looking for it or forcing it we were already profoundly in love with each other. The way in which it all happened was really strange and unprecedented for me. I had always liked all the people with whom I have ever had something before since the day I met them, letting the physical attraction blur my perception of reality and create expectations of the other person and the situation. It wasn’t like that this time, for the very first time I met the real person, and then decided (or realized, I don’t know) that I wanted to be with him. And it’s crazy to say it but in this short period of time I already know him more than I know anyone else, and I have opened up in a way that I didn’t imagined possible, in a way that I was afraid and embarrassed of because I’m “too intense” and that scares everyone. And for the first time it’s not a love that kills but that creates life, one that doesn’t drives me insane but inspires me, a love that doesn’t hurt but heals.

And I’ve learnt so many things in so little time, about me, about him, about life. I’ve learnt that I have a fear that is bigger than I thought, a fear I have to stop carrying, and to be honest I hadn’t written here because of that. I’m aware that my biggest enemy is me and I really want to stop being it. But in this precise moment I don’t want to talk about all the negative things and the sadness that just being alive leads, but about how grateful I am because as absurd as it sounds, I finally am with this person that I had looked for in so many others with immense frustration. Because deep inside me I knew he existed and I knew he was coming, I just had to wait and be patient so it could be the right moment, and for the first time it was, like if all the stars in the firmament had aligned for us to collide in the exact moment of history in the same place. And maybe I’m crazy, but I know what I feel and I don’t want to ever stop feeling it. It’s not addictive or a necessity, but peaceful and it flourishes every day bigger and brighter than I could have ever imagined. Because it’s better than any dream or story, better than the books and the movies his avid eyes have seen, better than the songs of Pink Floyd, Radiohead and Drexler together. This is better than everything. 

February

February was a month full of work, filming almost every day. First I flew to Tulum to help with my friend’s band's new music video- it was the best experience, everyone in the crew was so cool and nice to be with, they all came from Canada but I never felt like I didn’t belong or anything like that. 

Kaveh, Ashley, Vlad and I got there two days earlier than the rest, it was such an adventure scouting for locations, prop-shopping, casting for extras and camera testing in just two days. Once everyone was in town we would wake up early morning and run from one location to another, shooting non-stop, it was hectic and I savored it, it’s in moments like these that I realize how much I love doing what I do. There were also moments of precious calmness, sipping coconuts on the beach, endless conversations with beautiful Ashley while we drove/shopped/painted and delicious crew dinners at different restaurants every night. Everything was perfect and I loved them all.

I landed on Mexico City a Saturday night and on Sunday I was already in meetings for the next project. Monday was for returning the gear of the music video and getting props, costumes and stuff for the short film. Tuesday morning Diego and I left to Morelos. I drove all the way there, it had been a while since I drove on the highway and it felt good, Diego says I’m a terrible driver though, maybe I am. As soon as we got there we worked hard trying to get everything we needed, difficult task being a festive day in the small town. I appreciate when things like that happen, it’s fun proving yourself you can.  After a very long day we went back to the house in the mountain. Diego played his guitar and sang songs to the desert while I stared, he cooked dinner and we played domino while listening to the sounds of the night. The rest of the crew arrived on Wednesday evening and suddenly the house in the mountain wasn’t quiet anymore. We were all talking and running and doing, anxious and excited to start shooting, it was loud and perfectly chaotic.

Everything went smoothly once we started, things fell into place and any stress or doubt disappeared. We finished on time and we were so happy and satisfied it felt like we were just a bunch of kids playing a game. I always love working with Nico, not only I admire him professionally but he also has become one of my closest friends in a very short period of time. We had a wrap party at the house in the mountain and we all went crazy, laughing and dancing and even walking into the labyrinth in the middle of the night.

We drove to Mexico City the day after and the next day was spent on bed, I was exhausted. Then I went back to school and to the weird student routine, I can never get used to it, it’s too calm and whenever I’m not busy my brain starts creating ugly thoughts about everything and I go back to feeling lonely and sad.

When I listen to my friends and classmates talk about their future, about movies they love and about their projects, it scares me because I really don’t care about my career at all, I don’t have plans and have no idea of what I’m doing, but I’m still moving anyway so the darkness won’t consume me completely. I feel a little lost in the middle of nowhere in this city filled of ambitions. I can’t write anymore like I used to, I get stuck and overthink every time I try, what if I’m boring? What if I’m stupid? What if I make no sense at all? Maybe I don’t have new topics to talk about, nothing new to say. I’m scared I’m not that special, I’m scared I will always be alone, I’m scared I’m not an artist. I’m scared life isn’t important and significant at all. I don’t know, I just crave an adventure so deeply that I sometimes forget I’m already in one.

I didn't take my camera to none of the filmings, but here are some iPhone snaps :)

Days of Youth

Some stories don't need words to be told.